Magic hell My very first boyfriend and I also fancied ourselves the experimental kinds.

Visitors recount their worst intimate experiences.

One evening, in a fit of giddy motivation, we bought a container of Magic Shell syrup—that items that hardens right into a candy shell the moment you squirt it on your frozen dessert. We had been both therefore excited during the possibility of switching my nipples into candy-coated chocolate treats that people totally whiffed from the logistics. Magic Shell works on ice cream since it’s cold. When placed on room-temperature flesh, you get is runny, weird-tasting chocolate syrup as we soon learned, all. I became disappointed because of the total outcomes, but my boyfriend ended up being devastated. He tried blowing onto my nipples that are shell-covered cool them. He also attempted icing them before you apply the chocolate, but absolutely nothing would coax the syrup to solidify. It absolutely was a rude reminder of this legislation of physics. —female audience, Wicker Park

perhaps maybe Not that variety of dirty One evening my gf and I also are making away, also it’s getting hot and hefty. There’s biting and licking and hefty breathing. We tell her, “You like this?” “Yeah, yeah, We like that,” she claims in a rasp that is loud my ear, which I’m searching. “Hey, talk dirty to me,” I tell her. “What?” “Yeah, think about it,” we say. “Anything, simply try it.” We continue steadily to find out, and i will hear her breathing within my ear, but she’s not more comfortable with it. During the exact same time she’s getting all excited. “Come onnnn,” I whisper inside her ear once more. She leans in near to my ear, in rapture, rather than thinking too obviously: “You’re an asshole…a dirty asshole.” —male audience, Wrigleyville

Fang bang My ex-boyfriend had benefit of vampires prior to Twilight had been inflicted upon pop culture. Publications, films, music, decor—if it said “goth” or “undead,” he had been involved with it. Unfortuitously, this appreciation were able to find its means into our foreplay, towards the extent that my ordinarily sweet and good-natured boyfriend liked to savagely strike my throat along with his teeth. It wasn’t which he ended up being attempting to draw blood—he simply really liked to bite. —female audience, Ukrainian Village

secure but unsound I asked just exactly what her safe term ended up being. She insisted it is mother. Ick, ick, ick. —male audience, Oak Park

Digital broadcast it is an all-points bulletin to your hetero dudes out there, through the ladies: Please stop using the fingerbanging. What’s that? Just giddy, inexperienced high-school boys would genuinely believe that’s erotic? Not. We can’t inform you exactly just exactly how men that are many my adult life have actually attempted to jab me personally over over and over repeatedly into the vag, often without clipping their finger nails first. Ouch. It may seem it is an appetizer ahead of the primary program, but we for starters, wish to skip directly to the sausage. —female TOC staffer

Undead in sleep to state that the man we dated many years straight right right back had been “socially embarrassing” would be an understatement—and an update. But all ended up being well he decided to get his dirty talk on for us in the bedroom until one night when. While to my nerves, he bored holes into my mind along with his eyeballs and asked within the flattest of monotones: “Do you enjoy it once I penetrate you?” I think he had been opting for extreme, however the impact was more dead-eyed serial killer.—female audience, Uptown

Double difficulty My closest friend from senior high school and I also went along to university together, coming back house many weekends to look at here go to our boyfriends, whom also been BFFs. Using one check out, as my guy and I also had been when you look at the throes of passion, he unexpectedly attempted to slip when you look at the relative straight straight back home! The poke had been a surprise that is complete! We had been mortified and told my pal the day that is next. She could perhaps maybe maybe not think it—turns out her man had made exactly the same backfired effort. Regarding the exact same evening. We had been disgusted because of the shock, but much more grossed out that they’d conferenced from behind about it before ambushing us. Perhaps Not cool! —female audience, Southern Suburbs

P.S. we love spew a years that are few, this person I’d gone away with some times arrived up to my spot and made supper.

Nice sufficient, particularly considering he was indeed whining of sickness. After supper, he disappeared to the restroom and exactly exactly what sounded like some puking that is serious. As he reappeared, he began whining which he actually wished to find out beside me. Of course, the combination of barf breathing and also the possibility of him upchucking once more made this is certainly a lower than attractive idea. As he pleaded which he could simply run home—an hour away—to grab their weed stash to quell their queasiness, I’d to secure the entranceway behind him and declare the night time formally over. —female audience, Avondale

Yawni Our hot make-out sessions had been damped by her need certainly to set the feeling by playing Yanni CDs. That’s right, Yanni—pretty much the sound recording for impotence problems. —male audience, Oak Park